In the blink of an eye the time to celebrate and make merry is upon us again, the time we find old Christmas knocking upon our front doors imploring us to bid him enter. A time as the old miser Scrooge once affectionately described as “find(ing) yourselves paying for bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older but not an hour richer”. I wish not to examine the prose of the tale of A Christmas Carol however, neither do I wish to talk prattle on about the likes of Scrooge. Rather, since I, Santa Claus, receive a myriad of letters from the young ones across the globe annually, supplicating me to divulge the secrets of the workshop that brings the young ones immense joy every year, I have resolved to let the cat out of the bag.
Scour your memories now for an epoch in your life when life was so much less convoluted, an epoch when we were youthful, when we were children. However long ago that epoch may be, do you still remember sitting by that enormous Christmas tree laden with candy canes, ornaments and trinkets on a snowy Christmas night; in front of the tremendously ornamented mantelpiece, the vivid orange flame capering around in the hearth; thinking about the marvellous presents that Santa Claus will procure for you the following dawn? Do you remember vividly picturing the workshop Santa’s jovial little worked in for the entirety of a year, fabricating your toys gear by gear, cog by cog before being stowed awayin a monumental pouch upon my sleigh, draw by a team of reindeers? Recollected those forgotten memories yet?
Outstanding, now gather those vivid pictures of the workshop and toss them into the hearth. I wish not to cause much distress to you, but I believe that the truth must be disclosed. The industrial revolution occurred over three centuries ago. Pray tell me, why would you presume that Santa’s merry little workshop would always remain in the primitive state it was centuries ago? The merry little workshops illustrated in children’s books are a thing of the past, present in the age of St. Nicholas, my
ancestor but not anymore. Remember those elves constructing the toys gear by gear? Poof! Gone! In their places are immense mechanical beasts of steel, constructing a hundred toy train sets where one used to. The sound of a thousand merry tunes hummed by the elves at work? Poof! Gone too! In its steed is the sound of the quiet humming of the steam
powered beasts of steel and the occasional clanging of the metallic claws in harmony with the reverberations of the cogs that bring the beasts to life. This, my friend, is the sound of progress! Progress my dear! Creating one hundred where one used to. Progress. Some may implore the fate of the elves. Rest assured, they still have a place in thesweatshops workshops.
Guarantee I cannot however, that their working conditions are still so merry. Neither can I comment on the wage freeze we had to implement in the early 1800s. What I can divulge however, is that the workshops are all connected to the elf villages to
provide an ease of commuting. In place of the centralised workshop pictorialized in the media today, for centuries now we had a cluster of outpost workshops situated throughout the entire Arctic Circle. Once again, progress.
For centuries, the Anti-Santa sect has been attempting to foil the festivities by destroying my factories across the Arctic Circle. In the ancient times they attempted to terminate the production of toys by stomping the workshop. In recent times however, as technology has advanced, so have their tactics. They have resorted to dropping a myriad of coal upon the roofs of our
factories from their own sleighs in the hopes of crushing the machinery within. The very same reason why we had Candy
cane turrets installed at all of your facilities; to batter those pesky Anti-Santa sadists out of the air.
Remember the sleigh driven by a team of reindeers? Our technology has made them redundant, nothing but a relic of the
past similar to the other presumptions made. Gone are the team of reindeers that pulled the sleigh, in place is a beast of clockwork iron that sprout flames from its rear. Delivering presents to a thousand houses where one used to be made.
I presume that’s all the time we have for this letter. So once again, let us wish you a merry Christmas and a happy holiday and may 2016 be an even more amazing year ahead!
– Best wishes, Santa Workshop Inc. & Shareholders
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